The beginning of the end…

I blame no one but myself. 

More than six months ago, when I first went out with my Firefighter, after hinting at him for four months that I was interested, I was so happy. We had so much fun. I thought, “Finally, this is going to happen.” That was the beginning of a horrible, waste of time, not even real relationship. 

Then, the next day, he told me he didn’t want a relationship. My hopes for a chance between us were crushed. I felt like an idiot for thinking that he was just a shy guy playing hard to get. He just plain didn’t want me. 

Then, the next six months were a roller coaster of ups and downs. I dated other people, but I wanted him. 

Last week, when he confessed that he had dated and slept with another girl, and begged me to give him a chance, and cried on my shoulder, I thought, “Maybe now he’ll appreciate me after dealing with this psycho girl. Finally.”

We were finally in a committed relationship. 

Last night, I already caught him lying to me. 

He blew me off after I got out of work. I had invited him to dinner via text, and he never responded. Being a guy who always has his phone on him, I knew something was wrong. But not wanting to be a “crazy chick,” I waited for him to call me back. He never did. 

So a few hours later, I called him. No answer. I knew, deep down, like I have in all of my past relationships that have gone bad, that something was wrong. 

This next part is very humiliating, and I’m mad at myself for even stooping to this level. When this guy was freaking begging me to be with him, he told me, “Amanda, if you don’t trust me, you can call me every night. You can pop by my house whenever you want. I don’t care. I will never lie to you again.”

So I did what he said and drove by his house…I know! So juvenile. So psychotic. Such a waste of time. But I did it. I passed by once, and noticed that his truck was there, but his car wasn’t. I called again, and it rang twice then went straight to voicemail. I couldn’t believe that mother effer hit the ignore button on me!

He finally called me about 30 minutes later, and lied through his teeth to me for 20 minutes straight. “I was at the car wash in my truck. Before that I was in the garage putting together my lawnmower.” 

And the best one, “I’m not a liar Amanda. I don’t know why you don’t believe me.”

It was like reliving the nightmare of my cheating college boyfriend who was so good at lying to me and making me feel crazy and paranoid.

After calmly waiting for him to tell me the truth, I was so mad that he thought I was dumb enough to believe his crap. I asked him to please tell me the truth, that I was the last person in the world who would judge him – which he shoulda known after I took him back. So, even though I knew I shouldn’t have, I finally told him how I knew he was lying. I wanted him to feel like a jerk for lying to me, and I wanted him to know that I knew for a fact that he was lying. 

He went silent after I told him I had seen his truck in the driveway. His tell-tale giveaway that he’s been caught. 

He admitted he “had been at the mall” with his “friend Jenna who was having a crisis about her boyfriend.” I didn’t even hear the rest. Every word that came out of his mouth after that was trash to me. 

I told him I was done. 

I felt like that same idiot I did in January after the first night we hung out and then he turned around and told me he didn’t want a relationship. 

He went from asking me to move with him to California a week ago, to not wanting to rush into calling me his girlfriend because of his F-up to lying to me and avoiding me. What the hell is that about? And my dumbass even considered moving away with him in a few months. I thought my dreams of one day moving to California were going to happen sooner than I thought, and with a man I’m in love with. And now this. How quickly it unravelled. 

This entire year, I’ve been giving him chances, and wondering what it would be that would finally be the final straw. That was it. Me not trusting him to the point where I felt that I had to drive by his house. I did that with my ex when I was younger, and it was so dumb and such a waste of time. I told my firefighter that I was done. I cried this morning, but by noon I was better. When I got to work, with no makeup on and my eyes swollen, a cute boy buying a protein shake even told me I looked pretty. It made my day. And my coworker Belinda and send her 7-year-old son into my office with three beautiful flowers for me later in the afternoon after I told her what had happened. Which was the brightest highlight of my day. It literally brought tears to my eyes. Happy tears instead of angry, frustrated sad tears.

Who needs that stupid jerk anyway? I sure as hell don’t.